Gold digging whorez (with a z for emphasis/ street cred)

So, "gold digging whore" surprisingly only turns up about 5,000 hits on Google. Earning potential is more egalitarian nowadays, but apparently this topic is still considered faux pas. I wish more dudes would complain about it online for my perusal. If I were a dick, my argument would be "look sluts, you can't earn a pissload of cash and then turn around and expect me to float the bill."

Also, that chick from House is smokin' (although in this pic she has a strange shoulder-to-hips ratio):

Casual Encounters

I know this guy (no, it's not secretly me) who used to claim that he picked up girls in the Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section. I heard through unreliable sources that the girls he picked up were mostly snaggle-toothed hags, so that's what I tell everyone.

Aside from the high likelihood that you will come home with an incurable disease, I guess it might be a good scene for some people (and by "some people," I mean wierdos who can't get laid). Anyhow, I have a feeling that if I ever tried it I would end up like these guys from Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses:



Studies show that roughly 100% of all Casual Encounters dates end up exactly like this, including the bunny suits.

Celebrity Updates - Coolio

Introducing a new addition at The Funniest Guy I Know, Celebrity Updates

Post will be geared towards providing information on those random celebrities who at one time defined a moment in America Culture, but my not be on an "A" list today.

Artis Leon Ivey, Jr. A.K.A Coolio, brought us such smash hits as Fantastic Voyage and Gangster's Paradise. Coolio is still alive and kicking, hosting a cooking show on mydamnchannel.com titled Cookin' with Coolio.

He is also pimping his family out on the Oxygen Channel, with a show called "Coolio and the Gang" (I would have provided the link but the site "has been closed", huh that's weird.. not Coolio... go figure). Here is a link to an article.

Check out this episode of "Cookin with Coolio", were special guess Andy Milonakis assists Coolio in making chicken.

Black Friday

Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is the traditional start of the Christmas shopping season. For the first time in a long time, it might not be so black. In fact, due to the current credit crunch and market conditions, sales might just stay in the red.

However, Baby Wee Wee, the latest and greatest in doll technology, is ready for the masses. The demand for the Baby Wee Wee is expected to be so great, that it alone will save the 2008 shopping season.

The Greatest Rapper Alive

New Orleans rapper Lil' Wayne claims to be the greatest rapper alive. He not only claims it, he writes it on his albums and all of his promotional material, and repeatedly tells anyone who will listen. Regardless of the fact he sounds like Alvin the Chipmunk and writes terrible lyrics, he has some claim to the statement. His album, Tha Carter III, has sold more copies than any other album since 50 Cent's Get Rich or Die Tryin (2003) and The Massacre (2005), which sold an astonishing 21 million combined copies. But 50 did sell more albums, and he is still alive. Maybe a better title for Lil' Wayne should be "Greatest Rapper Within the Previous 3 Years."

Besides rapping, Lil' Wayne also has some has some claims to doing great things: Like accidentally shooting himself in the chest with a .44 cal; Forming the NWA meets Backstreet Boys group Hot Boys (Yes you read that correctly, Hot Boys); releasing 77 tracks in 2007, which is one track every 4.5 days; and getting busted at the border with cocaine, weed, Ecstasy, and a variety of loaded guns. Drugs and weapons, always a good time.

Lil' Wayne is now much richer than me, until he goes bankrupt for buying his 16th Escalde on 30 inch rims. When that day inevitably comes, at least he will still have his looks.

Space Urine

The Associate Press reports that astronauts on the International Space Station have installed a new $154 million water recovery system which allows the station to convert water to urine and hold up to six individuals, doubling the capacity.

In July of 2009, NASA is planning on sending up a $215 million oven, which allows the astronauts to convert deuce to meatloaf.

Snake Plissken v. Richard Simmons

I'd be willing to wager that Snake Plissken could wipe the floor with six Richard Simmonses in a bare knuckle, no holds barred street brawl. That means fishhooks and eye gouging and everything. They can also use trash cans or whatever objects they happen to find whilst brawling.

And I'm talking about the 80's Snake from Escape from New York, not the washed up 90's version. And Richard Simmons is pissed. Like, all six of him are really, really pissed.

Note: I like how Captain Ron is essentially a retired Snake Plissken who moved to the Caribbean to escape his past, hit the sauce, womanize and maybe do a little sailing here and there. And maybe that is why I have been Captain Ron twice for Halloween.

Killing cones

Good idea to give an interview in front of a turkey execution?



It should be noted that the executioner's mustache is top notch (although Carney Lansford obviously still has him beat). It should also be noted that Lansford's Wikipedia page is unacceptably silent with regard to his 'stache.

Uncle Touch-ey

Divorce attorney busted for touching female clients. Here’s my favorite part:

[H]e took out a stethoscope and a rubber physician's mallet and performed some routine examinations before he proceeded to conduct unrequested breast examinations on the women.

Dude must have been a serious salesman to shift the conversation from “I would recommend seeking reimbursement alimony for your husband’s educational costs” to “I would recommend a pap smear – by me.”